I've never felt so broken and alive. Like I have something to give and something to learn and I'm not anywhere near complete...and that's the way it should be. This past week I've shed so many layers of myself and I've mourned every one. But I forgot to celebrate this fresh squishy stuff I've found underneath. The stuff that makes me feel wobbly and ungraceful but completely, undeniably, authentically me. I've been so afraid of words and emotion and being nonsensical because I was afraid if I let a small trickle out, I'd drown in the flood. I've lost perspective that being lost is part of this whole living thing. Sometimes you're in the dark and things don't make sense. And that's the way it is. I don't have to pretend I know where I am on the map, I don't have to pretend that I'm happy with circumstantial things. And I don't have to expect that I'm always going to handle things with grace. I'm never going to look cute when I cry--but it doesn't mean I should damn myself up. I'm a person. I'm flawed. But that's what's kind of beautiful about me, endearing about the way I'm created, I am imperfect. I fall. I scrape. I bump into people and wake up with bruises. I scar more easily than anyone you've ever met--but I always heal. How miraculous is that? I used to be really embarrassed by all my scars, but lately I've been thinking maybe they're not that ugly. Maybe I'm just not looking at them right. Maybe, just maybe, God wants me to remember every time He's healed me.
You might not understand anything I just said, but you don't have to. I just needed to say it. This is what I have to give right now and I want to give it away.
I like the map analogy. It provides something of security to know where we are at (and where we are going). It's some serious Zelda shit.
ReplyDeleteIf I were a vindictive person, I would totally create a chart measuring the varying levels of geekiness and plot the usage of the word 'Zelda' somewhere near the top. But you wouldn't have to worry because the fact that I would use math to illustrate my point would outgeek your geekiness.
ReplyDeleteGuess it's good for the both of us I'm not a vindictive person.