"Through The Times I've Faded, And You've Outlined Me Again"

I have been feeling very misunderstood lately.

It's been a long time since I've had to introduce myself to new people, and a lot longer since I've actually cared what those people think.  And I'm not sure whether my current circumstantial pressures are coincidental or divine challenge, but regardless I'm faced with new people; and while I feel very blessed that these new people are in my life, I also am faced with the challenge of expressing myself to others who don't already know me like the back of their hand.  Which leaves plenty of room for comical misunderstandings as people are left to little else than literal interpretations of what I say or write.  People with whom I have not yet achieved that intimate, comfort level where you can say something incomplete, yet still be given the grace of having the thought finished for you.  It's not so much predictability as just being...understood.  And man, when you are, it's like fucking hot cocoa for the soul! 

Every person should be so blessed.  But I recognize those relationships take time to build, which these new additions and I have shared little of (though not to discount them because they have been deep encounters).  But till we get there, I fear I'm going to just be completely out of my element (Donny).

For instance, I've been meeting with a pastor lately.  Brad has been encouraging me to meet with someone since he's left...something I've been hesitant to do over the past couple of years for the obvious reasons.  There's not a whole lot of frickin' Brads walking around in the world.  But I know it's unfair to compare people with others, especially to someone who holds such a high place in my life, so it's something I'm fighting, but I can't help that it's there.

Anyways, I let him read one of my stories--something a bit more pastor friendly, you know to ease in the poor fella.  But immediately he started trying to attach the piece to my life and I got uncomfortable.  Even after I answered his questions and tried explaining, I'm not sure he believed me.  I know it's hard for people to understand fully if they don't do it, but not everything you write is a direct reflection of who you are as a person.  My favorite part about writing fiction is being able to write about someone or something so other than me.  I love thinking about people and figuring them out--I pose a lot of "why" and "what if" questions.  And I am a very emotional person.  Not psycho emotional...that's not what I mean.  I mean God just blessed (and cursed) me with an ability to feel strongly.  As a result I am a very empathetic person, I can easily put myself in another person's shoes and kind of figure them out.

I am also very thoughtful, detailed and analytical.  This, I think, is why I enjoy writing so much, and perhaps what actually even enables me to do it.  Each one of those previously mentioned characteristics/gifts gets put to use to tell a story and explore a topic--a sentiment I think is pretty magical and only possible by the grace of God!   Now of course I have to care about the topic to write about it, so that I suppose can serve as a reflection of myself.  However, it's very hard for people to imagine a person writing a character that isn't a mirror image of themselves.  But it's possible, and something I love to do.  And something that I think is even natural and spiritual.  I don't do it to avoid myself, but rather to find out more about myself and the world around me.

Any person who has tried to write a character can tell you that no matter what divine plan you have set for it, the character ends up diverting from your narrow path and writing itself.  Sometimes it takes a darker plunge than you intended, but if you can still write it and you find there's a story to tell, I don't know why you wouldn't.  I personally find it really interesting to write these darker characters. You can write someone who you literally have nothing in common with, but if you research things enough and 'suppose' things enough, you can begin to understand why they do the things they do--and more often than not you can begin to identify with them.  It doesn't necessarily mean the character is myself, but rather I'm becoming more humane and sympathetic to things I didn't once understand.  It gives me a chance to stretch and grow.  I like that about writing.

Now, I know I can be a darker person as well--I see a lot of beauty in the shadows, but make no mistake, it's only because "the shadow proves the sunshine."  And I'm not delusional, I know I struggle with pessimism--a battle wound I'm working on healing--but people think I'm so unhappy because of what I write or quote or listen to.  And it's a little disconcerting sometimes.  I'm not.  I love God.  I love life!  I love beauty--and I like to explore its many facets.

I just can't help that sometimes the things that convict me most are emotionally charged and speak of darker places.  Those sad bastard lyrics, they remind me of what I've been through.  They make me feel validated which helps me move on and makes me see what God has delivered me from.  Those Cormac McCarthy and Dave Eggers books, they are earth shattering works of prose that shows me the very present tension between good and evil and the struggle for humanity.  I quote them because they inspired me and I found them encouraging, not to commemorate my misery.  That's not how I do.

The characters I write, they're not always a direct reflection of my life.  I am a creative person and I use characters creatively to explore various things and topics.  Sometimes it's simply a means of exploration.  Yet, other times, it is because I have something my life has inspired me to write or incorporate into my writing.  So just ask me...but believe whatever it is I tell you, I won't lie if there's something autobiographical in my work.

I guess it's not something that everyone will understand, and I guess I shouldn't expect them to, or get so frustrated at it...I understand how it happens and the human need to identify and label people and things. We are creatures of connection--and we like to draw them, even sometimes falsely.  I just hope that people will take the time to get to know me and will see there's something more and other about me.

Regardless though, I'll just keep being me. :)

Song of the moment: Cigarettes And Chocolate Milk - Rufus Wainwright (Poses)

Other than a woman, only a gay man could write this song.  He's a damn genius.