Every person has stories they keep.  Some share these with loose lips and open hearts, others keep them guarded and feel they have to be earned.  It took me a long time to figure out that being a woman means never being one or the other, but both. At all times. With the right things.


Song of the Moment: Little Light - Jets to Brazil (Four Cornered Night)

Redemption Song

I'm not who I was when I started.  I'm not who I was five seconds ago.  I can thank God for that.


Album of the moment: Can't Maintain - Andrew Jackson Jihad

"She will come in first for the end of Western civilization..."

So I've officially decided to read all of the prophetic books of the Old Testament.  I started off by reading the book of Daniel and just really got into it.  I've always been that weird kid who excitedly snorts and pushes up their plastic rimmed glasses at the thought of discussing a post apocalyptic world both in the secular and spiritual sense (whether it be under the pretense of a zombie attack, widespread virus, nuclear war or the glorious second coming of Jesus).

Post-apocalyptic and dystopian movies are my favorite genre of film whether they serve as a subdued background for the movie or the main plot--Book of Eli, The Crazies, The Happening, The Road, Resident Evil series, Shaun of the Dead, Battle Royale, Children of Men, District 9, The Matrix, V for Vendetta, Avatar, the Terminator series, Alien(s), 28 Days Later, Blindness, I Am Legend, Mad Max/Road Warrior, etc. etc.
The Road by Cormac McCarthy is one of my favorite books ever--I spent an entire day hopped up on steroids fighting off the swine flu reading this book. Not to mention the classics: Fahrenheit 451, Brave New World, 1984, and Lord of the Flies.  And the not so classic but just as classic, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and The Zombie Survival Guide.  One of the first books I ever read by myself as a believer was "Revelations," which I didn't understand at the time (and still don't), but understood enough to be awestruck by God's glory and fearful of His wrath.
I spend my life rewatching and gushing over the finer points of Battlestar Galactica (which, in fact, IS the greatest show of all time...I have a growing list of converts to prove it) and the Sarah Connor Chronicles and have apocalyptic concept albums on constant replay on my iPod: House of Heroes' The End Is Not The End and Green Day's 21st Century Breakdown.

Simply put, I'd make a damn good candidate for The Colony.

So, needless to say, reading the book of Daniel was pretty interesting for me (half of it is prophecy  God gives him concerning the end times).  While I know a lot of people and churches don't even like to touch the subject or teachings of Revelations and a post apocalyptic world (Revelations is actually outlawed in China and might as well be in America since we don't really take advantage of the fact that it's not)--many find it dismal, scary, and the story of an angry, vengeful God.  In which case I understand not wanting to hear it.  However, I actually see it as hopeful tale of God's victorious, epic 'happy' ending (though no epic tale or happy ending can be appreciated or executed without sacrifice and pain).  A place and time where God is able to rebuild a decayed and disbanded kingdom.

Daniel reminded me that the loving and selfless Son we saw beaten, tortured, humiliated and sacrificed for our sins, the Son who is continually mocked by today's society and whose teachings are laregely seen as hippy feel-good folly, HE gets to come back as THE most quintessential badass in history with a triumphant tattoo on his thigh declaring "King of Kings Lord of Lords".  We're talking Johnny Cash stuff here.  Yes there are bowls of wrath, death, famine, and despair poured out over the earth--some really frightful things that should make us pee our pants if we take it seriously, however, if we look at the larger picture it's actually just another extension of God's grace before he fulfills His promises for His faithful followers.
Now I don't like to get into really crazy theological discussions that try to hash-out and decode exactly how the end-times are going to pan out and when they'll occur--I find it pointless considering only God is completely clear on those details.  Regardless though of your theories as to timelines and the occurances or non-occurances of Rapture, the one thing God seems to be especially clear on is that all that wrath is to make way for love.  God rids all immorality, all blemishes, all sin, all wickedness, perverseness and rebellion--all the things that make us fall, cry and beg for healing so that we can live in a kingdom on a renewed earth free from all it's chains and remnants of death.  God destroys in the end so that He can create something new for us that lies outside the clutches of The Fall. 
I'm not saying I understand it all, I don't even think that God meant for us to understand it all.  But I get it a little bit.  God doesn't want to patch up man's mistake, He wants to give us a new slate.  But sin is messy--it's contaminated.  Soft-soap does nothing for us.  We suffer from something that's more than just surface level...so God has to go that deep and remove it from us.  In order to rebuild society he has to seperate the living from the dead--the ones who have a chance at life from the ones who were dead even when they were alive (the ones that contaminated, manipulated, and exploited the sick--who kept the sick from getting better so that they could stay on top).  Jesus will wipe them clean from the earth because He is just and righteous and loving.  But he has to go deeper than even that; he has to seperate the ones too afraid to trust Him to help...from the ones who knows He's the only one with the cure.  And in order to protect the ones that'll survive, He has to destroy those who are still infected.  It hurts Him to do it, but it's the only way.

As I read Daniel I was reminded of how God constantly persues us and draws us in, trying to make us better so that we can survive the end and live with Him...alive, well, and free.  It made me curious as to all the things he had to say to his people through the prophets of the Old Testament.  So that's exactly what I'm setting out to study.

Prophetic books- 17 books
Major Prophets - Isaiah, Jeremiah, Lamentations, Ezekiel, Daniel
Minor Prophets - Hosea, Joel, Amos, Obadiah, Jonah, Micah, Nahum, Habakkuk, Zephaniah, Haggai, Zechariah, Malachi.

Currently reading: Ezekiel 

So from time to time I'll probably post my progress, and some key versus I find inspirational, piercing and/or just want to ruminate on.  This stuff is heavy and complex, and for people who want to figure it out with me...feel free to post your thoughts and reactions.


I'll leave you with....
Song Of The Moment: Field of Daggers - House of Heroes (The End Is Not The End) AND Last of the American Girls - Green Day (21st Century Breakdown).
HOH gets to me every time; it captures the pain of a spiritual battle but reminds you what your fighting for and just builds till you feel like you're rising to meet Glory.  It's truly beautiful.
GD gets the longing of waiting and standing for something resolutely.  It makes you feel like a BAMF.  A very rich anthem.

"Pack your things up come on lets go, didn't you know that we own this world?"

I should be sipping dark coffee on a terrace someplace exotic and moody.  Somewhere with rich smells, wet dirt and cardigan weather.  A breaker in me flipped and I can't shake that deep soul yearning.  I want to explore!  I want to write.  I think half of the reason I'm having trouble writing is the fact I don't have anything to really say at the moment--not to the world anyways.  Nothing's really stirring me, stimulating my heart and soul.  Well, that's a lie--life events are--but I don't have that inspired giddy feeling. You know?  I know, I know, I should learn to write without that feeling--which, believe you me, I'm working on.  But I feel like a fool that keeps trying to stoke wet wood.

I feel kind of guilty about desiring the whole traveling thing even.  It's like there's this fat bastard, Southern Baptist preacher residing in me scolding, "Really?  You're gonna pay to go travel and 'explore' when there's starving people and missions trips you could be partaking in?"

The thing is though, I want both.  I want to see all sides of the earth.  I want the museums and mountains and villages and ghettos.  The cafes and the orphanages.  I want to go everywhere.  Experience everything!  But not just experience, I want to pour myself out.  I just keep feeling like I have nothing of worth to say.

How do you write a good story when you feel like you don't have very many of your own to tell?


Song of the Moment: We Can Live Anywhere! - Big D & The Kids Table (Fluent In Stroll)
This song is a glass of sunshine and bear hug to my soul.

The Problem With Alice

I looked down at my feet, a pair of ordinary boots straddling two worlds—one of comfort and luxury with teacups and quilts and controlled, subdued fires; and one of mystery and intrigue that looked both familiar and strange all at the same time.  And I knew I had to choose between two sides of the looking glass. 

Or did I?

In all actuality, I felt perfectly content where I was.  To the left sat my large, striped chair with its dip in the seat, contoured to my comfort.  To my right were flowers that were so magnified and bustling with life they looked less like plants and more like beasts.  The view was more than anyone could ask for—home and adventure all at the same time.  And it seemed final at that moment; I would live there.  Forever.  I would make my home in the in-between.

I wanted to run to my room and grab a couple pillows to situate myself and then see how far I could see to my right, but as I lifted my foot and felt the weight shift I was struck by the realization that I would have to leave my post.  In order to accomplish anything I would have to submerge myself completely into one world and shed myself of the other.  To grab a book I’d have to go home; to explore the garden I’d have to run through it.  And if I jumped in, either way, I’d go without the assurance of knowing if I could ever return.

Away I Go...

I rewatched Away We Go today, a movie I love and am amazed I don't own.  There is something about it that, for as sad as it can be, retains such a hopeful air to me...something I actually am able to draw encouragement from when it comes to family.  Which is very characteristic of Dave Egger's work, it doesn't suprise me his screenplay has that same real yet romaticized tinge to it; Things are broken, but they seek to carve out a space where they don't have to remain as such.

Today, for the first time, admidst my physical and emotion rubble, I realized life doesn't have to be like this.  Sure, there are things you can't really control in life--like the family baggage you are dealt (divorces, remairages, and others' addictions and actions or inactions etc.).  But I can go wherever I want.  I can get out of here, I can leave this place.  I can breathe out there on my own and grow into the sort of person I want to be.  Like a walkabout.  I think I need a walkabout.  I think I need to go somewhere other.

My good friend John I haven't seen in a while asked me, convictingly, when am I going out of the country?  Which sounds small to some people, but it is everything I've ever wanted to me.  He knows that.  He knows I thrive in that with different scenery and experiences and people.  I thrive when i'm pushed out of my element.  I'm in my element out of my element.  I grow from that.  I explore through food and culture and art and I want to run everywhere and do everything.
 I want to leave before I get sucked in and tied down into something I don't want to be.
I don't want to settle.  I don't want to sell out.  I don't want to wonder seven years from now why I've never left the one place I've ever lived in my life.  I think it's time for something new.



Song Of The Moment:  Why Try To Change Me Now - Fiona Apple (The Best Is Yet to Come - The Songs of Cy Coleman)

I don't know why, but I could listen to this cover endlessly on repeat, and I do.  The first line might be the best opening line of any song ever.  It's the type of song you walk at midnight to.

Torchbearers

We flicker like stray sparks flitting about
Till we boldly shed our bones of ember and rise up Up UP
Departing from the very elements that shaped us
Blazing through chills gales and rain
To burn up a dark that seeks to snuff the heart of the heat we carry
While trails of smoke swell and sing in rolling waves
Of the all consuming fire
That was
And is
And is to come